About
Learn More about our progressive online community for the Granite State.

Create an account today (it's free and easy) and get started!
Menu

Make a New Account

Username:

Password:



Forget your username or password?


Search




Advanced Search


The Masthead
Managing Editors


Jennifer Daler

Contributing Writers
elwood
Mike Hoefer
susanthe
William Tucker

ActBlue Hampshire

The Roll, Etc.
Prog Blogs, Orgs & Alumni
Bank Slate
Betsy Devine
birch, finch, beech
Democracy for NH
Live Free or Die
Mike Caulfield
Miscellany Blue
Granite State Progress
Seacoast for Change
Still No Going Back
Susan the Bruce
Tomorrow's Progressives

Politicos & Punditry
The Burt Cohen Show
John Gregg
Krauss
Landrigan
Lawson
Pindell
Primary Monitor
Primary Wire
Scala
Schoenberg
Spiliotes
Welch

Campaigns, Et Alia.
Paul Hodes
Carol Shea-Porter
Ann McLane Kuster
John Lynch
Jennifer Daler

ActBlue Hampshire
NHDP
DCCC
DSCC
DNC

National
Balloon Juice
billmon
Congress Matters
DailyKos
Digby
Hold Fast
Eschaton
FiveThirtyEight
MyDD
The Next Hurrah
Open Left
Senate Guru
Swing State Project
Talking Points Memo

50 State Blog Network
Alabama
Arizona
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida
Georgia
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Missouri
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin

On Life In The Modern World, Or, What If Jesus Was An HMO?

by: fake consultant

Fri Sep 25, 2009 at 10:18:53 AM EDT


Those among us who are familiar with the Bible will recall that Jesus Christ himself was an active member of the health care community as he travelled about the Holy Land.

It is reported that he practiced within multiple medical specialties, and his works as both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist are recounted within the verses of the Gospels.

But what if Jesus had been practicing medicine in the therapeutic environment we're familiar with today?

In today's conversation we'll be tagging along with Jesus as he takes a few calls at his HMO's Customer Care Center-and by the time we get done you should be able to bring a whole new take to those discussions you've been having about why reform matters.  

fake consultant :: On Life In The Modern World, Or, What If Jesus Was An HMO?
"...a blind man, Bartimaeus...was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

...Jesus stopped and said, "Call him."

So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you."

Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. "What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him. The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see."

"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight..."

--Mark 10:45-52

"Thank you for calling Customer Care. This is Jesus. How may I help you?"

"Hi, I was recently treated by you in Jericho for blindness-"

"Can I get your account number, sir?"

"J32-21515"

"Oh, yes. Is this Bartimaeus?"

"Yes it is."

"So what can I do for you today?"

"Well, I went to check my mail, and I found a bill from you for 42,554 shekels for the eye treatment, and I don't understand why you want me to pay this bill."

"Well, give me a second while I look that up...ahhh, OK, I understand what happened. You see, I did perform the eye treatment, but your policy requires you to be referred by your Primary Care Physician for any specialist treatment and pre-approved by someone here at Customer Care before we can be liable for any costs of care, and the computer says that you didn't do any of that first...so, I apologize, but we won't be able to make any adjustments to this account.

Is there anything else I can do for you today, Bartimaeus?"

"Well, how am I supposed to pay this bill? I don't have this kind of money. Can't you perform a miracle or something to help me out here?"

"Well, sir, I can't do that, but what I can do is transfer you to our Collections Department, who can help you make payment arrangements..."

Needless to say, the call went downhill from there.

"Here a great number of disabled people used to lie-the blind, the lame, the paralyzed...

One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.

When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"

"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."

Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked..."

--John 5:3-8


"...so you say you were lame and I made you walk, and now you're getting calls from a collections agency that wants to garnish your ass?"

"Yes, Jesus, that's correct."

"Well, it says here that that back in Tishri of 12 AD you had severe boils and lesions, which is a preexisting condition. Now when I asked you if you wanted to get well you never disclosed any of this, and I don't see it anywhere in your application packet, either.  

Your policy requires you to inform us of any medical treatments you received before you became a policyholder, and because you failed to make a true and complete statement in your application we have to reject this claim.

I really do apologize, but we won't be able to make any adjustments to this account."

"To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed:

Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers-not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.

And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away."

--1 Peter 5:1-4

"We didn't know what to expect when he came here, but in just a few months Jesus has shown us what can happen when the Son of God is a Customer Care Representative.

His average call volumes are more than double those of any other rep, and when you listen to him take calls...well, when you hear him tell someone that they won't be getting their benefits...it's almost like he has some divine power over the customers or something, and that's why today I've gathered you together to announce that Jesus is going to be transferred from the call center to the Executive Training Program.

Additionally, because Jesus did not adjust a single claim in favor of a customer for the last three months we're also giving him the "Employee of the Quarter" award, which means he gets three days off with pay that he can take anytime he wants, a check for $500, and, of course, Jesus gets to use the parking space right by the front door for his Hummer.

We expect really great things from Jesus in the future, and while we will miss Him here at Customer Care I think we can safely say that with Jesus running the show this company is going to remain profitable for decades to come."

Poll
best reason to deny a claim?
preexisting pillar of salt
bearing false witness in application
failure to redeem firstborn son
denying claims easier than passing hats
i hate mondays

Results

Tags: , , , , , , , , (All Tags)
Print Friendly View Send As Email
just a little something... (4.00 / 1)
...to talk about at the water cooler...

--we are making enemies faster than we can kill them

good stuff! n/t (4.00 / 1)


member of the professional left  

thanks so much... (0.00 / 0)
...now go forth and try it on the relatives over sunday dinner...

--we are making enemies faster than we can kill them

[ Parent ]
I never had boils in Tishri (4.00 / 1)
Elul maybe...

Annie 2012!

what's that old joke? (4.00 / 1)
"elul--i spent a week there one day..."

yup...that's it.

--we are making enemies faster than we can kill them


[ Parent ]
Philadelphia n/t (4.00 / 1)


Annie 2012!

[ Parent ]
it's also used in the... (0.00 / 0)
...randy sparks song "saturday night in toledo, ohio" in reference to that city:

"You ask how I know of Toledo, Ohio,
Well, I spent a week there, one day
They've got entertainment to dazzle your eyes
Go visit the bakery and watch the buns rise"


--we are making enemies faster than we can kill them


[ Parent ]
W.C.Fields epitaph (4.00 / 1)
"I'd rather be in Philadelphia"

"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed."
W. C. Fields  

Annie 2012!


[ Parent ]
the epitapth... (4.00 / 1)
...is one of those urban legends, as far as i can tell.

it is rumored that he had proposed such a commemoration, but his actual columbarium marker simply says "w.c. fields 1880-1946".

--we are making enemies faster than we can kill them


[ Parent ]
"Sir, just what did you think (4.00 / 1)
that "render unto Caesar" lesson meant??"



employee of the quarter (4.00 / 1)
I assume they are drawn first ?

Annie 2012!

[ Parent ]
i heard that... (0.00 / 0)
...chris angel might be brought in as a technical consultant on how to stylishly "do" those resurrections.

--we are making enemies faster than we can kill them

[ Parent ]
i'm waiting for the... (0.00 / 0)
..."new conservative bible", which i assume will be filled with such gems as this selection from the gospel of bachmann:

"render unto caesar that which is caesar's...but tell not to the taker of the numbers how many are in your tribe, for woe will come unto those who caesar can tally up and send to a fema-run concentration camp..."

--we are making enemies faster than we can kill them


[ Parent ]

Connect with BH
     
Blue Hampshire Blog on Facebook
Powered by: SoapBlox