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snark

Halliburton Gets $2 Billion Contract For Florida "Cardboard Condos"

by: fake consultant

Sun Oct 17, 2010 at 19:34:57 PM EDT

Miami, Florida, September 13, 2018 (FNS)-Facing pressure from voters to "do something" following the disaster caused by the privatization of Social Security, the White House today announced that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is awarding a $2 billion contract to the Halliburton Company for the purchase of 22,000 "cardboard condos" that will be installed in public parks around the Miami area in an effort to alleviate the problem of homelessness among the impoverished elderly.

"Having homeless senior citizens drag their appliance boxes all over the city reduces the community's aesthetic appeal and leads to complaints", said Halliburton spokesman Tendei Furlough. "The new modular design, combined with our ability to print attractive images on the outside of the boxes, guarantees both increased protection from winter weather and fewer complaints from affected neighborhoods."

FEMA's Director of Emergency Housing Resources Spike Fromula agreed: "We thought we had a real problem with homelessness in a number of our major cities after the Social Security safety net collapsed...but now, we think...well, we think we have a way to wrap the problem up in a neat little package."

There's More... :: (9 Comments, 400 words in story)

Yo, Mr. President

by: Jack Mitchell

Tue Oct 05, 2010 at 21:43:48 PM EDT

If you are going to intercept my e-mails and take my ideas, then I think I should get a sweet "senior advisor" job in the WH. Axlerod is a soup sandwich, we all know it. We keep the Plouffer though. Cool?

Oh, and there needs to be a lil' sumpin', sumpin' for JimC., too.

"It's on the table," veteran Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward told CNN's John King in an interview Tuesday on John King, USA. "Some of Hillary Clinton's advisers see it as a real possibility in 2012."

The scenario - whereby Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would switch positions - has been bandied about by political observers for months, seen by some as a potentially savvy strategy to gin up excitement among what appears to be a depressed Democratic base.

But it's never been clear if the idea has been actually discussed in the White House, until now.

"President Obama needs some of the women, Latinos, retirees that she did so well with during the [2008] primaries and, so they switch jobs, not out of the question, and the other interesting question is, Hillary Clinton could run in her own right in 2016 and be younger than Ronald Reagan when he was elected president."

Discuss :: (25 Comments)

On Second Thought, I Am Voting Republican (Updated)

by: Jack Mitchell

Tue Oct 05, 2010 at 16:04:15 PM EDT

Here's why:

Use this for the filthy Open Thread that it is!
.

There's More... :: (27 Comments, 26 words in story)

After Bathtub Accident, O'Donnell Changes Position

by: fake consultant

Tue Oct 05, 2010 at 13:06:59 PM EDT

Dover, Delaware (FNS)-Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell shocked the crowd at a Delaware political breakfast meeting when she announced that she has changed her thinking about masturbation following a weekend bathtub "incident".

Spike Fromula, O'Donnell's press secretary, explained to the press gaggle today that O'Donnell now realizes that it is possible to "masturbate without lust in your heart" after Saturday night's revelatory event, which Fromula described as a "slip and fall episode".

"It wasn't exactly 'The Passion of the Showerhead'" said Fromula, in a reference to her former work as a marketing consultant to the Mel Gibson movie of a similar name, "but there is no doubt that her thinking on the issue has evolved".

There's More... :: (7 Comments, 344 words in story)

On Homeland Security, Or, We Visit A Terrorist Gathering Place

by: fake consultant

Sun Aug 22, 2010 at 23:39:53 PM EDT

They better not build that mosque down by Ground Zero, we're being told, not just because it's insensitive, but because we have no idea what they'll be up to down there.

I mean, where did the money come from?

Who does this Imam hang out with, anyway?

And, at a time when our Nation faces more threats than ever, why would we let these Muslim madmen situate their "terror command posts" anywhere?

Well, I don't know about all of that...but I do know a place where lots of these Islamic terrorists go to obtain the equipment and supplies they need to support their particular craft, and I decided to make a bit of an undercover visit to the spot, so that I might "observe and report" on what goes on at this specific location.

So put on your dark glasses...and let's go see what we can find out.

There's More... :: (1 Comments, 1338 words in story)

A Revolution In Laundry?

by: RealNRH

Mon Aug 09, 2010 at 20:32:11 PM EDT

Social Sciences students at Dartmouth today revealed a major discovery that could lead to major reductions in American laundry costs, including detergent, energy, and wastewater treatment.

"It's pretty simple," explained the head of the project, Rachel Raslies. "We were examining anonymized utility bills from across the country and cross-referencing them with reported media habits. Using new 'smart meters' we were able to record which appliances were in use. Most of the time, things were stable - refrigerators, ovens, microwaves, and so on. But there was one big correlation that stood out."

There's More... :: (3 Comments, 397 words in story)

Lee Surrenders To Grant, Obama Retains Slavery

by: fake consultant

Wed Jul 21, 2010 at 15:48:14 PM EDT

WASHINGTON, DC, April 10, 1865 (FNS)-The Civil War ended yesterday with the surrender of General Lee's Confederate Forces to Ulysses S. Grant, the Union Commander, at Appomattox.

Although most observers are generally happy with the surrender, many of President Obama's most loyal supporters are livid with the Commander-in-Chief because of the concessions he made in order to obtain the future support of the Southern Senators who will rejoin the body when the next Session begins.

At a media event this morning, Press Secretary Dick Timoneous expressed the President's hope that the formerly Confederate Members of Congress are looking forward to changing the political culture and steering the Nation in a better direction:

"It's time for the opposition to realize that what really matters is putting America first. The President is certain that by offering some concessions now, Southern Senators will look beyond their own parochial interests and do their part to move this process forward."

There's More... :: (5 Comments, 638 words in story)

Republicans Intervene In Traffic Accident, Call Settlement "Shakedown"

by: fake consultant

Thu Jun 24, 2010 at 07:37:27 AM EDT

Brighton, Colorado (FNS)-Attorneys from the Republican Study Group (RSG) descended upon the 17th Judicial District courtroom of Judge John T Bryan today to present an amicus brief and associated oral arguments in order to prevent a settlement in a lawsuit related to an automobile accident in this Colorado city.

The intervening attorneys claim the settlement reached between the two parties to the accident is a "shakedown" because the plaintiff had not yet exhausted all possible legal remedies when the agreement was finalized, and because the agreement was executed in the presence of the plaintiff's brother, a well-known local attorney.

They hope Judge Bryan will decline to approve the settlement in today's hearing, and that he will order the parties to move forward to trial.

"What we have is government transferring property from one party, an admittedly unattractive one, to others, not based on preexisting laws but on decisions by one man, a car czar", said Crush Mimbaugh, attorney for the RSG, "and we are here today to protect all Americans from this legally sanctioned rape of an innocent driver."

There's More... :: (3 Comments, 854 words in story)

At Black Tie Ceremony, Feith Passes Torch To Barton

by: fake consultant

Mon Jun 21, 2010 at 05:27:18 AM EDT

Honestly, I am absolutely sick of commercial air travel these days. Just dealing with security is bad enough, but then there's the airlines, and...hey, all you really need to know here is that there has to be a pretty good reason for me to fly cross-country.

Well, I had one Saturday night, which is how I came to be in the Colonnade Room of the Fairmount Hotel, Washington DC with about 250 of my closest friends, in a classic shawl-collar tuxedo, attending one of the most exclusive "passing of the torch" ceremonies in recent Washington memory.

And when it was all over, Douglas Feith was a happy man.

There's More... :: (5 Comments, 870 words in story)

Operation Terraform, The Secret Obama Administration Plan For Arizona, Is Revealed

by: fake consultant

Wed May 05, 2010 at 05:52:32 AM EDT

Washington (FNS)-An exclusive investigation by FNS reporting staff has identified and confirmed, through a second source, the Obama Administration's secret plans for resolving issues with certain residents of Arizona that has been in the news over the past week, known as "Operation Terraform".

The plan depends upon American authorities cooperating with the Canadian, Mexican, and North American Governments, and the plan will require one of the largest transport efforts since D-Day.

Until today, no one outside the involved agencies had been aware of the existence of the plan, much less its details, and as of today, no official will admit, on the record, that the plan is already in effect.

There's More... :: (3 Comments, 734 words in story)

To Attract Tourists, Louisiana Governor Announces Free Oil Giveaway

by: fake consultant

Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 03:14:39 AM EDT

Baton Rouge (FNS)-Facing both a massive oil slick from a sunken offshore drilling platform and a second year of declining tourism revenues along the Louisiana Gulf Coast caused by high gas prices, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal today introduced a new tourism promotion that he reports is going to "...make lemons into lemonade".

Jindal, flanked by British Petroleum's Director of Marketing Dick Timoneous and the Executive Director of the Louisiana State Tourism Board, Jenna Talia, announced that the "All The Oil You Can Carry Festival" would officially commence today just east of New Orleans, and last at least through the month of May.

There's More... :: (1 Comments, 558 words in story)

How Republicans pick candidates in 2010 plus chickens

by: bloomingpol

Sat Apr 24, 2010 at 16:59:44 PM EDT

Gail Collins has a column in the New York Times about the supposed poor prospects for the Democrats in November.  She does a bit of the "balance" act reporting, but the meat of the column is about the Republicans' primaries:

The Democratic disaster scenario would make absolute sense if it did not also require that the Republicans do something right. But in one state after another, they seem bent on nominating the worst possible candidate. The world is one big scavenger hunt, and their clue says, "Find somebody unelectable."
There's More... :: (2 Comments, 81 words in story)

2nd Amendment Foundation And Black Community Agree To Joint Gun March, Rally

by: fake consultant

Tue Apr 06, 2010 at 05:11:51 AM EDT

New York (FNS)-In an effort to help dispel concerns of racism, Terri Stocke, President of the Second Amendment March, agreed to coordinate with members of the Reverend Al Sharpton's National Action Network and the Reverend Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/Push Coalition in an effort to encourage more members of the Black community to bear arms and to carry them publicly.

In return, members of the Black community have agreed to flood the 2nd Amendment March, scheduled for April 19, 2010, in Washington, DC, with hundreds of thousands of heavily armed residents of Chicago's South Side and New York City's Harlem and Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhoods.

"We hope that the Black community understands that 2nd Amendment rights apply to all Americans" Ms. Stocke told the crowd outside Mr. Sharpton's offices.  

There's More... :: (7 Comments, 425 words in story)

On Paying For Immoral Things, Or, Is Stupak On To Something?

by: fake consultant

Tue Nov 10, 2009 at 06:20:12 AM EST

There has been a great wailing and gnashing of teeth over the past day or so as those who follow the healthcare debate react to the Stupak/Some Creepy Republican Guy Amendment.

The Amendment, which is apparently intended to respond to conservative Democrats' concerns that too many women were voting for the Party in recent elections, was attached to the House's version of healthcare reform legislation that was voted out of the House this weekend.

The goal is to limit women's access to reproductive medicine services, particularly abortions; this based on the concept that citizens of good conscience shouldn't have their tax dollars used to fund activities they find morally repugnant.

At first blush, I was on the mild end of the wailing and gnashing spectrum myself...but having taken a day to mull the thing over, I'm starting to think that maybe we should take a look at the thinking behind this...and I'm also starting to think that, properly applied, Stupak's logic deserves a more important place in our own vision of how a progressive government might work.

It's Political Judo Day today, Gentle Reader, and by the time we're done here it's entirely possible that you'll see Stupak's logic in a whole new light.

There's More... :: (7 Comments, 571 words in story)

On Being A Government DJ, Or, "Torture? You Call That Torture?"

by: fake consultant

Sat Oct 24, 2009 at 23:54:58 PM EDT

It's become more or less common knowledge that US forces have been using music as an operational tool for some time now, and I've begun seeing lists of the songs that are being used either to inflict pain, to demoralize, or to just generally disorient various people in various sorts of situations.

There are others, wiser than I, who will opine as to the questions of efficacy and the moral issues surrounding these kinds of operations; I will opine, instead, as to the quality of the songs used.

Frankly, had anyone asked, I could have put the torturers onto much better musical choices, just by selecting from my own "My Music" folder--which left me thinking: "hey, it's the weekend...why not do exactly that?"

Got any psychological warfare mission planned for the weekend? Expecting to have to direct amplified sound at an angry mob in a defensive maneuver Saturday night? Planning a Halloween haunted house that goes a bit...fuurther?

Come along with me then, soldier, and I'll provide you a playlist that should do the trick in almost any foreseeable emergency.

There's More... :: (1 Comments, 935 words in story)

On Life In The Modern World, Or, What If Jesus Was An HMO?

by: fake consultant

Fri Sep 25, 2009 at 10:18:53 AM EDT

Those among us who are familiar with the Bible will recall that Jesus Christ himself was an active member of the health care community as he travelled about the Holy Land.

It is reported that he practiced within multiple medical specialties, and his works as both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist are recounted within the verses of the Gospels.

But what if Jesus had been practicing medicine in the therapeutic environment we're familiar with today?

In today's conversation we'll be tagging along with Jesus as he takes a few calls at his HMO's Customer Care Center-and by the time we get done you should be able to bring a whole new take to those discussions you've been having about why reform matters.  

There's More... :: (13 Comments, 882 words in story)

Obama, Lipton, To Seize World's Teabags

by: fake consultant

Tue Aug 11, 2009 at 02:59:50 AM EDT

WASHINGTON (FNS) - In a startling development related to the recent disruptions of town hall meetings, FNS is now able to confirm that the Obama Administration, with the assistance of Unilever Group and Queen Beatrix, both of the Netherlands, PepsiCo, Skull And Bones, and the Bilderberg Group, is unleashing a secret plot to dispatch fleets of unmarked aircraft and helicopters to prevent teabag protesters from having access to teabags.  

The goal of the plot: to disrupt protesters' plans to save America from the destruction of our health care system.

FNS reporters have been following a trail of information that includes airport noise abatement records, classified documents, and the testimony of insiders, some of whom are now willing to be publicly identified.

We'll begin our story by reporting on three events that occurred the evening of Friday, August 8th.

There's More... :: (7 Comments, 825 words in story)

A Fake Consultant Exclusive: Political Robots Fail In Operational Service

by: fake consultant

Wed Jul 15, 2009 at 08:34:44 AM EDT

It has been quite some time, Gentle Reader, since we addressed the issue of political robot design, but recent events have forced us to return to the subject once again.

As you undoubtedly are aware, three high profile 'bots from Robotican™ Labs have recently experienced major failures.

It was originally thought that the problems were isolated to the Robotican™.1 Congressional Series of Devices...but it is now known that the failures also extend to the.2 Gubernatorial Series as well.

In today's story we will examine what is known about these failures, how they may impact other devices in Political Service, and what solutions might be available to address these issues.

There's More... :: (1 Comments, 1699 words in story)

A Fake Consultant Exclusive: Administration Announces Drug Legalization Plan

by: fake consultant

Wed Apr 01, 2009 at 10:25:44 AM EDT

Washington, D.C. (FNN)-In a move some are describing as a "news dump" timed to coincide with the attention being paid to President Obama's foreign trip, the Justice Department announced the Administration's plans to introduce legislation to legalize and regulate the manufacture, sales, possession, and use of what are today legally known as Schedule I drugs.

Additionally, Schedule II through Schedule V drugs will be made available to adult members of the public at their request, with a doctor's prescription no longer being required before such drugs can be dispensed.

The drugs being "legalized" through this legislation would include marijuana, LSD, heroin, cocaine, and ecstasy; also included will be all pharmaceutical drugs currently under restricted distribution: among those are Xanax, OxyContin, and Viagra.

There's More... :: (1 Comments, 691 words in story)

On Catching Up, Or, Good News Told, And The Bush Book Reviewed

by: fake consultant

Wed Mar 25, 2009 at 09:57:01 AM EDT

So many times when we get together you have to put up with me complaining about something...and there are lots of other times when it's me warning about events that are looming in our future.

Even though they're conversations we need to have, they're often not very emotionally satisfying.

Today we depart from that pattern, in a very good way.

It's "follow-up day"; and the conversation takes us to three "happy places": two "problem" stories that have recent positive progress to report-and, just because I care about you, Gentle Reader, an exclusive preview of the George W. Bush autobiography, obtained with considerable effort from an unnamed and particularly well-placed source.  

There's a lot to cover, so let's jump right in and tell you what you need to know.

There's More... :: (1 Comments, 1695 words in story)
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